By on December 1st, 2013

December 1 2013,

As you can see I have not really gotten into blogging on my CFS. Today though was an unusually bad day and I wanted to blog about it. I woke up feeling terrible. It is Sunday and I was really looking forward to going to Church. It is the first day of Advent and I was going to make wreaths at church with the children, go to church and then have lunch with my parents. After a night of no sleep and a month of not going to church due to one child having pneumonia and the other child having bronchitis. I am worn out. I so miss going to church and having quiet time to pray and listen and be in community and take communion. Today though, once again, we were not going to make it and it just broke my heart. I know God loves me regardless of if I make it to church or not, but I miss it desperately. I am so thankful that we have Seacoast Church, our old church from Mount Pleasant. They have a live on-line Church service every week, so we can still worship and have a message. Today, I cried. Not because we couldn’t go to church, or because life is hard. It really isn’t compared to most. I cried because having CFS is so isolating. No one seems to understand or get it. I know God knows. My heart breaks because I so want to be of service to the Lord and I can barely make it through the day. My heart longs for my life to have purpose and meaning for His kingdom, yet some days it is all I can to do exist. I could gripe and complain, but what good would that do? I think that is why I haven’t wanted to do a blog. What would I say? I am having a hard time? So what? So are the thousands of people in the Philippines who have lost everything in the tsunami. Or those who’s lives were destroyed by the tornadoes and storms that hit the mid-west. Who am I to complain when I have a loving God, loving husband, all my needs provided for me, two beautiful children. Who am I to complain? Shame on me.

I think the hard part is staying positive in the midst of your daily struggles. We know that ┬áthere are people out there who have it worse than you. There will always be people who have it worse and those who have it better or easier. However, that doesn’t change My reality? How do I change my reality? How can I have joy in the midst of physical pain? How can I have an attitude of thankfulness when I look perfectly normal, yet feel so sick? When people think I am fine, yet don’t understand why I can’t do things, make it to church, travel for the holidays, have a job, volunteer and give to the community or be more involved at the kids’ school. They see me as lazy. Our culture says, ‘Produce, be productive, climb the ladder of greatness. Have more, do more, give more.’ I’m not even in the game. How can I be thankful for being sick? I am thankful for so many things, but how can I see my illness as a blessing?

I know God uses everything for good for those who love him and seek him. It is just so hard to see how I can help others see Him more clearly when I can’t “do” anything. I pray and yes I know intercession and pray is a powerful tool used by God and the Holy Spirit. But there are days I am too tired to do that. I know life is a journey and there is a chance to learn from every opportunity and I know I will learn much from this one day when I am able to reflect back and see how far God has brought me. But for the meantime, it is hard and I am sad. I am sad for my husband who is having to pick up the load of all I am not able to do. I am sad for my children that I can’t play with as much as I would like or do things with them that my heart desires, but my body just won’t let me do. I hate the word tired. So, I will be blogging on these questions as I go through this journey and we will see the good, the bad and the ugly! That’s all for today.

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